6 minute read
Vigils, Wakes, Funerals, Memorials…
The Status Quo
For many decades now in Australia, there have not been a lot of meaningful death-care options to choose from, and many things would have happened fairly automatically: Firstly, whether you died at home, in a hospital, or a nursing home, once you were pronounced dead, the local funeral director would have been notified, and would have immediately taken the body away to the morgue.
Family members could then visit the associated funeral parlour to choose whether the body should be embalmed or not, whether there should be a viewing, and whether the body should be cremated or buried – and in either case, a casket needed to be selected.
If cremation was chosen, the ashes would later be handed to the family, and there would have been the further option to select an urn. In the case of a burial, there would have been options as to which cemetery and which tomb stone to go with, and finally, the choice as to whether to have a memorial service, and who should lead it.
Granted, these are still a lot choices for a grieving person to have to make in rapid succession, and they can feel overwhelming – especially when the topic had not been considered and discussed before the death occurred.
There’s a change in the air…
There has been growing dissatisfaction with this often rather automatic and impersonal treatment, especially where the death-care received did not seem aligned with a person’s values and attitudes in life: The expense alone of a ”simple” burial did not feel right for a person who valued frugality and humbleness, chemically preserving the body and burying it deep below the living earth did not feel right for a person who had lived their life connected to nature’s rhythms.
Yes, there is a change in the air, and here are some of the more personally tailored options that are now available:
A Vigil
Different from a wake, a vigil takes place not after a death has occurred, but during the active dying phase (This links to a Hospice Nurse Julie video – trigger warning: only watch if you’re OK to see a person that is – very peacefully – in the active dying phase). Active dying is the final stage of the dying process that lasts roughly three days. By definition, actively dying patients are very close to death, and exhibit many signs and symptoms of near-death.
A vigil is then the environment that is created around the dying person, with the term “vigil” implying that there will at all times be at least one other – awake – person at the dying person’s bedside who, at this point in their transition process, will largely be asleep.
Planning your vigil can be part of your Advance Care Directive, where you document your choices regarding the environment you are hoping to die in: who you would like to be by your side, any music or readings you would like to hear, any touch you’d like to receive, any fragrances, images, textures… it can be whatever will make you feel the most comfortable. It can also be a chance for your loved ones to play an important, active role in your final days.
A Wake in the Family Home (or Somewhere Else)
There is no requirement for a dead body to be moved (or kept) in a morgue in those first hours and days after death. In many cultures, holding a wake in the family home has been part of traditional death-care, and it is now being brought back into our culture, as we are beginning to understand the important role it can play in processing the death of a loved one.
The body can stay at home for up to three days, giving you time to say your good-byes, and to start your grieving process. There are several reasons for the three days, and I’ll be happy to explain further. If you want to find out more about holding a wake, how to organise it practically, and how to create it as part of the healing experience for your family or friendship group, please feel free to talk to me.
Return to the Earth
For many people the idea of their body being kept in the cold, wet, anaerobic environment of “6-feet-under” is physically uncomfortable, while the idea of returning to the earth and nourishing new life feels right.
Thanks to the tireless advocacy of the natural burial movement, you can now, in many places, be buried in a much shallower grave, where the soil is alive, and your body will remain part of the natural cycles – feeding life. A biodegradable timber or wicker casket, or even a shroud burial, where the body is wrapped in a large piece of fabric, and may be rested on a bed of leaves or branches, might feel right for you. You can find a beautiful illustration of the difference between a “traditional” burial and a natural (or green) burial here (PDF).
Fire or Water?
And for those who still think “cold and dark – not for me!”, no matter what type of burial, there are still other options for reintegrating with nature: most people are aware of how cremation works, and that family and friends are then free to scatter the ashes in places that hold meaning. There is also the option of using the ashes to feed a tree or other plant, either self-directed or as part of a more formal “legacy forest”.
And finally, if you are a water person, aquamation might be the right choice for you. Aquamation is a process in which the soft tissues of the body are dissolved in a warm alkaline solution. The result is also “ashes” that are very similar to the ashes resulting from cremation, and that will then be handed to the family. This process uses less energy than cremation.
Memorials and Celebrations
The wake can be the memorial – or the celebration. Or you might like to have a wake where you can “just be”, without further agenda; and it might feel right to set a (much?) later date to come together again and honour the life that has passed. Of course you might not like to have, or not be able to, hold a wake, and that is perfectly fine, too. You might not even like to hold either a memorial or celebration, and keep everything very low key. The right choice is the one that feels right for you.
Some people prefer the term “memorial” over “life celebration”, or vice versa – it is a very personal decision, and you will feel which one suits you and your loved one best.
But I Like “Traditional”!
Nothing wrong with that. My intention is never to change your mind but to provide you with the information that will allow you to make informed choices. If you’ve read through all of this and find yourself thinking “I actually really liked what I read in “Status Quo” above” – then that is what is right for you. I will at all times support you in following your choices, your wishes, and your values.
Further Information
You can find links for further reading and watching in my Resources area. If you would like to receive support with any of these options, or would simply like to talk them through in more detail and ask questions, please feel free to be in touch.