* Trigger warning: This post discusses human decomposition – in very mild and general terms. Please decide whether that’s something you’d like to read about. *
The other day I was invited to visit a mortuary in one of Melbourne’s bayside suburbs. The mortician-embalmer had generously offered to discuss her experience with dead bodies over the first few hours and days after death in the context of wakes (keeping a body at home for a limited time after death has occurred) and viewings (visiting the dead body at the funeral home, usually a few days after death, and after the mortician and/or embalmer has made it “presentable”).
Not rushing the body of a loved one off to the mortuary immediately after death can help the family process the transition from the dying process to the beginning of the time when that person is no longer alive.
Keeping the body at home for a few hours or maybe even days, maybe washing it (not so much to clean it but as a form of gently saying goodbye to the physical being), maybe dressing the body, or shrouding it in preparation for departure (maybe together with your end-of-life doula), all of this can be very sad, of course, but also a tentative first step towards active grieving.
For a family or friendship group who wishes to look after their deceased person in this way, it is good to understand that a dead body can be full of surprises, some of them potentially difficult or uncomfortable: depending on ambient temperature, on body composition (muscle, fat), on when the deceased last ate or drank, or on what medical treatment (if any) they had undergone immediately before their death, there may be discolouration, there may be liquids escaping, there may even be small sounds or sighs.
I found it very reassuring when the mortician told me that in her practice when it comes to funeral care, it is all up to the families. These are some of the things she has done in the past:
- Pick up the dead body soon after death has occurred, make it “presentable” with small tweaks (generally to the face) and then invite the family to view their person in the viewing room of the funeral home.
- As above, but then return the body to the family home for a wake. Making the body “presentable” in this context can include either small tweaks, or a half embalm (face and hands only), or a full embalm – depending on a family’s traditions, and depending on how long they wish the wake to be.
- Once she even did her small tweaks (which still involve needle and thread) at the bedside of the deceased, with the family in attendance, so that the body did not have to be moved just yet.
- Or, a family might begin a wake in the family home, but then decide after a few hours that they are no longer comfortable, at which point the funeral home will send someone to pick up the body and they will look after the deceased from there.
- And, of course, many families are most comfortable with the body being picked up without any wake or viewing.
By the way, whether or not (half) embalming is chosen is usually either down to cultural tradition or a decision between natural death care and a “natural” burial on the one hand, and a more life-like look of the deceased over a longer period and a “traditional” burial on the other hand.
Finally, based on our conversation, here are my very practical tips for anyone who would like to keep their deceased loved one in the family home for longer than a very few hours after death:
- Call your chosen funeral home and inform them of your plans.
- Put the body on a cool mat (ask your funeral home to bring you one), and/or cool the body, especially the torso, with ice (yes, bags from your local petrol station are fine – wrap them in towels).
- Only open the windows when you have fly screens installed (and swat any flies that may already be in the room).
- Always cover the entire body with a sheet or blanket when you are not by their side.
Most importantly, you do not have to do this alone if that’s not what you want. Ask someone for help and support who has done it before, only do what you are comfortable with, and don’t feel bad when you change your mind.